4 TERRIBLE FILMS THAT HOLLYWOOD ACTION STARS HOPE YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT

Forced into costume work, DeVito's career hit a new low.

In the early stages of everyone's career, they find themselves forced into taking on jobs of a more demeaning nature than they would like. This isn't so bad if you are, say, a toilet attendant (those used tampons and syringes aren't going to walk themselves to the landfill, now are they?) as whatever downsides there are to your job, the odds are no-one is really going to find out about it. Not so for aspiring actors; these poor saps are forced to take on all comers (and if they're REALLY desperate, they might find themselves in a genre of film where that sentence has a more literal meaning) and when they move on to loftier heights, those early efforts are left for all the word to see. Actors such as...

1. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER: HERCULES IN NEW YORK

Say what you like about Hercules, there aren't many people who can fart out actual horses.

I'd explain the plot, but it'd be so painful to read that your eyes would leap out of your head and go and look at some snuff films in order to see something a little easier to put up with. All you need to know about 'Hercules In New York' is a: Arnold's voice is hilariously dubbed all the way through with someone else's, b: it's so low budget that Central Park is used as a set to represent Mount Olympus (where, presumably, all the cherubs and satyrs drink meths and look suspiciously like hobos) and c: Arnold was so unknown at this point in his career that they changed his name to Arnold Strong upon it's original release. The whole thing is an abomination of a fish-out-of-water 'comedy', albeit without any intentional laughs. 'Hercules In His Final Death Throes At The End Of A Brave And Drawn Out Battle With Ebola' would have been more fun that this. One poster claimed 'It's Tremendous! It's Stupendous! It's FUN!!!' By God, it's not.

2. SYLVESTER STALLONE: THE ITALIAN STALLION

Stallone, pictured spotting the late '90s and early 2000s in the distance.

Originally entitled 'The Party At Kitty And Stud's', the movie was retitled and re-released in an attempt to cash in on the now world famous Stallone's nickname. Stallone got $200 for it when he was penniless and 'at the end of (his) rope"; which is where anyone watching a copy of the original edit looking for some hot action may well find themselves, as it was so tame that Stallone said 'By today's standards, it would probably be rated PG.' The studio since released a version with some close up shots of actual penetration, but don't get excited; it's not Stallone's Stallion, but a stand in added afterwards. By the way, in case you were wondering, Stallone plays Stud, not Kitty. Personally, I'm more interested in the title of one of the other films by the same director mentioned in the trailer; 'The Longest Foot', starring John Holmes. I assume it's a film about javelin throwing.

3. JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME: MONACO FOREVER

Van Damme, pictured after another naked table tennis win.

A bit part in a film made up of bit parts, Van Damme is billed simply as ' Gay Karate Man', appearing in a brief scene where he picks up the hitchhiking hero of the film. Of course, being gay, his character instantly tries to seduce our hero because he's a man (in the 80s, this was generally accepted as What Gay Guys Do) and then, when his advances are aggressively rebuffed and is challenged to a fight, he takes his karate suit off (that's right; he's wearing a full karate suit whilst driving. He's Gay Karate Man. Our hero still feels utterly confident in challenging him to a fight, despite the fact the only clothing he's wearing to demonstrate HIS fighting prowess is a tuxedo) and performs a series of kicks that scares the object of his affections away. JCVD then comedically minces back off towards his car, no doubt already planning his next roadside seduction. Van Damme allegedly takes great pleasure in destroying copies of this film, a passion he would sadly transfer to the rest of his career.

4. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER (AGAIN): CACTUS JACK/THE VILLAIN

 The look of dawning confusion of Douglas' face says it all.

Known by both titles, Schwarzenneger makes the list again with this early pile of hot comedic western garbage. With a poster that looks like Arnold has been cast by the producers of Monaco Forever as 'Gay Cowboy Man' (and from Douglas' expression, we can guess where Arnold's hand might be) this description by the producers of this film damns it far more than any description I could give; 'A live action road runner and coyote movie, set in the old west.' Say no more.
      Douglas does his absolute best to save this disaster of a 'comedy', gamely playing his scenes for laughs and almost managing to pull it off thanks to his natural comic timing, but with a script that must have written by someone who decided that comedy=extremely slow and drawn out set pieces that end when something falls on Kirk Douglas, and with Schwarzenegger delivering his lines like Stephen Hawking's computer was his voice coach, this horrific mash-up of cartoon action done on a budget normally reserved for church raffle prizes and 'jokes' with all the wit of a hippo covered in cement ends up being so torturous that the descendants of people forced to sit through it regularly wake up in the night, sweating after nightmares of falling boulders and anvils that are obviously made of polystyrene coming to bounce ineffectively and 'hilariously' off their heads. Years later, professional wrestler Mick Foley would take the name Cactus Jack as one of his many in-ring personae, with the idea being that CJ was by far the most brutal of all of his characters. Brutal is right.

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